Empty

My mind is empty and my days are empty…well not really…it just feels that way compared to how full they once were.

I have never understood how people without jobs said they couldn’t volunteer, or read a book, or bake a cake…because they had “no time”. That just seemed ridiculous. That was then.

My mother-in-law is 89, until the pandemic she pretty much ran the church, the blood center, and welcome table at the local hospital…she did all this and her grocery shopping, puzzles with her guy, housekeeping, breakfasts with buddies, and an occasional game of bridge. She used to tell us her schedule and then say (put on your Fargo accent for full effect) “well, you know what they say, if you want something done, ask a busy person.”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I have been working since the age of 13… babysitting, women’s and men’s bathing suit sales…men’s was easier, women buying bathing suits tend to be VERY grumpy, the rack of suits thrown at me when I reminded someone they could not return a clearly used (vomit icon here) suit proved that, David’s Cookies…glorious and sticky, a camp counselor, and currently as a graphic designer. A graphic designer, with very little graphic designing to do, yet somehow I convince myself I have no time to write swoons…I am one of those people now.

Yesterday I painted my toenails blue, constructed homemade vegetable rolls, took a long walk, bathed, watched Parks and Recreation, ordered supplies for Greg’s art camp, did some banking for my mom…and felt completely useless and unfulfilled…when you feel useless and unfulfilled it is hard to swoon.

If you ask my kids (or husband), I am sure they would say I am not so easy to live with. I have no no no patience for laziness or self pity. I have no understanding of I can’t or I didn’t have time to. How hard is it to give something a shot, if you fail so be it, maybe it will work out better next time. The world is not going to hand you your success or happiness…take it.

So, after my many days of avoiding swooning, I have decided to take my own annoying advice. I should be writing more often. It is good for my head, good for my soul…and many seem to enjoy the visit into my crazy (thank you for that, it warms my heart).

If one does not have a life that is currently swoon-worthy…one must look back, or ahead…anywhere to avoid stagnation. Sigh, writing to fill the empty. Writing to keep busy. Writing to prove that complaining and waiting…does nothing. Swoon.